why can't i find the words? i was on such a high. loving life. living each day. such a cliche but such a truth. wishing it would never end. addicts are right, the come-down is always the worst. somebody get me a cigarette, i feel a craving coming on..
i wake up and wish i was somewhere foreign. because what was foreign became familiar and what was familiar is now foreign. i love my family. i love my friends. but i am not me here--not everything i can be. a fish out of water. i don't feel inspired. i don't feel like i'm moving. stagnant and stuck. sometimes i feel lonelier here than when i was by myself. there was a camaraderie, an understanding, an instant bond, it seemed, between me and everyone else. i can't relate here. was it escape? so many people walked in and out of my life this year. moreso than my whole existence? no, of course not, but it feels that way sometimes. sonia annaraquel rodolfo anthony annamette helen peter kristofer leonie mez franky michael tomas lydia steve jamie caroline benjamin jeanette belinda nathan jedda rafael lolo javier saskia christina mette ed graham lawrence shaun gustavo mitch kate eddy martin ivan carlos pablo agustin nick sophie a million names i can't remember and will never forget, everyone and no one. we shared a beer, shared a story, shared a taxi, shared a fear, shared a love, shared advice, shared tears, shared laughs, shared beauty, shared ugliness, shared a language, shared the basic essence of humanity, gave everything and held back nothing. because why hold back? what do you have to lose? and why does it has to be so different here? grasping and catching only air, slipping silently through my fingers.
how easily do i fall back into routine. why such a straight line? i want to live spherically, in every direction.
i want to go to mexico. want to grow heady with the scent of indian spices. trek through the himalayas. party in the se asia loop before i get too hold to hang with the gap yahs. buy a rug in morocco. see petra in jordan. wake for sunrise over the nile. take the trans-siberian railroad. drink vodka in moscow. swim in havasupai falls. float in the dead sea. lose sleep during the midnight sun. samba in salvador. wander bazaars in istanbul. camp with bedouins in the sahara. find an oasis. be blinded by the white of santorini. walk the great wall. marvel at the aurora borealis. live in latin america. make it to the end of the world. see taste touch feel hear. all five senses. somebody take me away?
